“I don’t know where you’re going and I don’t know why, listen to your heart before you tell him goodbye!”
I have been attempting the ‘postive outlook on life’ for the last few weeks and to be honest, I am exhausted!
However, it has brightened alot of my surroundings! I have finally bought a canoe and am stepping up at work – from cleaning to shop keeper and right hand girl! And I have let go of some of the anger that was tearing up my inside!
The only problem with this is; it enhances the issues that I fogot still existed!
So what next? Deal with core of it which at the moment, finding it very difficult to see the positive.
I have a HUGE problem with food habits and weight gain! A few years ago I weighed a lot less than I should (apparently, anyway) I took it for granted and still thought I was drastically overweight. I then damaged my back and there went my excercise for a good couple of months. So now I weigh the appropriate weight for my height and the insecurities are screaming at me!
But like everything else, I will overcome it!
You’re outlook is one step. “Whether you think you can or think you can’t l, you’re right!” Battling the negativity is a challenge, worth the fight WHEN you win.
It begins with YOU!
“She is a pyramid, but with him she’s just a grain of sand.”
The moment you realise that the things you were unbelievably passionate about no longer put a smile on your face, you have lost yourself and that, as far as I am concerned, is the worst feeling you can feel.
Everyone I know holds a passion and whether it is for children or food, it is something. It keeps you alive!
However, just recently I held my camera that is FINALLY fixed after a couple of years and felt nothing; that excitement I once had looking through a lense was gone. It was then, I knew the extent of the damage.
It’s easy to read a map or follow the irritating voice of the GPS when you have no idea where you are traveling to. However what do you do when you are lost internally – mentally, spiritually or emotionally?
Everyone has their own path; their way to ‘a better life’ has different detours and directions. If you feel like you’re losing control, change your situation before the biggest journey turns from living to picking up the pieces.
“I get angry too, well I’m a lot like you. When you’re standing at the crossroads and don’t know which path to choose let me come along!”
Three simple words and all the strength and “courage” completely vanished. Are you okay? Seriously? It can be shortened to 4 letters! Yet, four hours later and I am still wiping the tears away!
You see, I have stumbled through a place where I don’t ever want to go again. It was incredibly dark, I couldn’t see anything that wasn’t black. I have thrown up everything I ate, if I ate at all. I have been constantly bruised and lived like I was 2 inches tall. I have been humiliated and felt worthless yet nothing has made me feel worse than feeling like this!
I am lost.
I knew what tomorrow would hold ever since I could remember. Now, I don’t know what to do or where to go. There’s no footprints around for me to follow, hell, even my mind has shut down. I have no idea who I am and that is what will kill me.
Have you ever noticed that the words we basically speak to others are words of criticism, judgement or advice that they don’t want to hear? We never ask the simpler questions like how are you or just sit in silence to make sure that they are alright?
People aren’t going to accept any situation without a negative speech and there’s no way in hell they will let you explain. The worst of them are the ones who are as much to blame for the entire mess or ones that have been through similar.
So what do you do when you’re lost and alone?
“Can you hear them, they talk about us. Telling lies; well thats no surprise!”
The world around me lacks privacy; the town, family, everything that involves human beings. It’s frustrating beyond belief.
So what can I do – other than whinge? Smile, speak only in relevant conversations or avoid everyone!
I’ve had enough!
Cause trying not to love you, only goes so far, trying not to need you, is tearing me apart. Can’t see the silver lining, from down here on the floor. I just keep on trying, but I don’t know what for, cause trying not to love you Only makes me love you more.
Madonna once said ”To be brave is to love someone unconditionally, without expecting anything in return. To just give.” That’s all well and good but surely there has to be a line drawn!?
I put my life into my last relationship, a few times literally, I had nothing left at the end of every day – both mentally and physically. I wanted nothing from him but him. That, to me, was sufficient enough, yet if I gave him everything in the world, he’d long for something more.
Am I wrong? Perhaps I’m being overly frustrated and unbelievably bitter or it’s the types of relationships I tend to fall into.
If you give and give without receiving anything in return, how do you able to give more? I don’t understand.
Something has to GIVE! Within a relationship there has to be a 2 way street, otherwise one part will burn out and fade into nothing and believe me when I write this, they will and think it’s okay. Well it’s not.
Maybe it’s time to change, And leave it all behind
I’ve never been one to walk alone, I’ve always been scared to try
So why does it feel so wrong, to reach for something more
I haven’t posted anything in a while. I wish I could say I was busy with work or some positive life changing event, yet unfortunately it is neither. However I did get an interview for a job which would have been the perfect step forward in my chosen career by was declined a second..naturally. No I haven’t written due to the fact that I had nothing positive to share.
Maybe I still don’t.
The truth is I can’t find happiness in anything I do, nor can I find peace or silence. Everything is chaotic. Everything is tainted with anger. It’s pissing me off, to say the least. I need the company of loneliness.
I need some time to breathe without the irrelevant questions and commands. I don’t want to be engaging in useless conversations nor pretend to care about every insignificant detail about everyone else’s lives! I want to be noticed as a person, without SERVANT tattooed on my forehead.
I just need time out.
So stand in the rain, Stand your ground
Stand up when it’s all crashing down
You stand through the pain
You won’t drown And one day, whats lost can be found
I lived in a small town on the coast where privacy doesn’t exist. If you breathe your a target for gossip and everyone knows more about you than you do.
In any aspect of you life, whether it be violsencw or accomplishments, people are going to have their say; it’s human nature. Yet it’s what you do with the words of criticism or encouragement is entirely up to you.
You can let it break you, lead you to somewhere you don’t want to go back to just to shut then up or you can stand your ground.
It won’t be easy. It hasn’t been easy. However you have to remember, it’s YOUR life, not theirs.